If I were more creative, this would be a very clever and/or witty joke!

And this would be an unnecesssary explanation of said clever and/or witty joke!

(no subject)
jess_teh_skox
Huzzah for completely unmedicated anxiety! Apparently it is possible to be in a happier place yet still slowly fall apart as stress becomes too much to bear. Certainly no fault of Jim's, of course - it's the standard assortment of trying to get this car stuff done without being slapped with all sorts of fines, and trying to find a job, and generally hoping I don't do anything to make the entire household hate me. With just a pinch of "holy hell, it's past 3 am, how is it still so hot in here", but that's just temporary.

Granted, no medication any doctor has ever prescribed has helped me with my anxiety. Even that Lexapro regimen that started out promisingly ended up backfiring horribly. Stress is just sort of something I had to learn to deal with on my own, and I've been making strides in that area. Until tonight, when I find myself with a raging stress headache and chest pains, unable to sleep, sweating and shaking, wishing there was something, anything I could do about it.

Here's hoping tomorrow night's better, I guess?

(no subject)
jess_teh_skox
Thank you, Michigan Secretary of State Terri Lynn Land. Your dedication to making moving into this state with my crappy-but-economical automobile as absurdly, frustratingly difficult as possible is truly a testament to what one can achieve in politics if they're completely batshit insane. I've finally managed to procure myself some Michigan no-fault insurance (effective a week from today, as that gives me a substantial $15/month discount), so in theory everything else related to this blasted car should start falling into place soon. But I'm not gonna count Terri out yet. Surely she has a few more tricks up her unattractive Republican sleeves.

(no subject)
jess_teh_skox
The Target interview was yesterday, and it...actually went decently well. I think. I'm a terrible judge of these things but, um, the fact that I never broke into barely contained hysterical panic tells me this was more of a success than many of my older interviews in Montana. So, at the very least, even if I don't get the job, this tells me that I have made progress of some sort somehow and that's promising. Right?

Other than that, things are boring. I haven't felt the inspiration to do much of anything at all. My creativity appears to have completely left me, so...gonna have to learn to deal with that. (Surely you've noticed how little effort I've been putting into these entries lately? No creativity!) Still enjoying myself here, though. So...that's nice. I like it here. I'll like it even more when I have money.

Bye for now!

(no subject)
jess_teh_skox
Interaction with people has been slowly but surely becoming easier for me since the move, and now it'll probably be even easier to find a job wherein I have to regularly deal with people. As whenever I'm dealing with someone particularly unpleasant, even horrible, I can tell myself, "Hey, Jesse, at least you're not wallowing in excrement."

My lack of interest in handling their fecal matter aside, though, horses are pretty cool. So I'd say that the failed barn job (that I don't think I even really mentioned here much, in retrospect) was a worthwhile experience nonetheless. So, um....yay.

I've got an interview at Target this Friday. Less than two weeks in Michigan and this job hunt is already more fruitful than my last couple YEARS in Montana. No, it doesn't really make sense. Take that, economy!

(no subject)
jess_teh_skox
By this point, I was intending to be in the middle of a very mildly successful job hunt. And while I have managed to fill out a few applications online, I haven't been able to devote as much time to that as I'd like. (So, um....yaaaaaaaay for easily obtainable fallbacks!) Long story short, insurance looks to be one of the more unpleasant parts of dealing with adulthood. Hey, tea partiers, why is mandatory health insurance so unconstitutional but mandatory auto insurance isn't? I'm genuinely curious.

Other than that, I'm settling in nicely. Well, more nicely than I had anticipated, anyway. Important lessons this venture has thus far taught me:
- Everyone needs to be around people sometimes. Even miserable, social-anxiety-ridden misanthropes. Like, uh, me.
- Sandwiches without mayonnaise are nice and good and totally something I can get used to.
- Animal Crossing is an evil, evil seductress that must be killed before it claims any more lives. (Namely mine as I slowly find myself developing a desire to actually play the damn thing.)
- Blogging is a fairly unpleasant waste of time. :)

And thus concludes Jesse's Cross-Country Americ-Haun Adventure 2010 (tm)!
jess_teh_skox
...well, so much for my intentions of providing daily updates on this trek. Sitting in cars for 12+ hours per day is more physically exhausting than I ever would've thought. I mean, I'm spectacularly lazy. Most of my spare time is spent sitting. Came as a huge shock to me. Probably didn't help that I was making the trip with a total bitch who apparently liked using my ears as a megaphone for her fruitless efforts to scream at traffic. Or that nerves were limiting me to about three hours of sleep per night. But, yes, I am here now. And it's....surprisingly wonderful.

I am not at all used to being embraced by people. At all. But Jim, and his family, and even their friends have all been wonderful. I suppose it's normal for most people, but it's completely foreign to me. All my obsessive worst-case-scenario-izing was for nothing. Granted, I myself am still really quiet throughout all of this, but given time, I think relative normalcy is feasible.

So, yes. I'm more optimistic than I really ever have been at any point in my life. And, dare I say, happier. I was actually having so much fun that I kinda completely forgot to eat at all last night. I mean, that's probably something I shouldn't be doing at all, obviously, but the point is, things are pretty great. So....yeah.

And no, Ray. I did not actually partake in any of your road food that seemingly only exists to give the vegetarians of the world nightmares.




....shout out to Lisa!!!

It's official: North Dakota sucks.
jess_teh_skox
Well, day one of my journey has come to an end. 650 miles, crossing a third of Montana and all of North Dakota. And, um...there's not much to say about it. The first 20 miles of North Dakota were beautiful, with some really cool rock formations and amazing views. The rest of it is a flat, farmy hellhole - like Montana, but a bit more densely populated by people, and apparently less so by cows.

Did you know that there's a Cleveland, North Dakota too? Population 112. Kevin's Cleveland suddenly doesn't look so unbearable, does it, Ray? (The Cleveland Show, for the record, is still awful regardless of this.)

Anyway, I am now safely in Fargo, which doesn't seem quite as bland as the rest of the state. The Wingate by Wyndham is quite nice, at least. Just gonna take it easy for the rest of the night. I'm not terribly good at driving for this long. My back's sore, my eyes feel strained....ouch. But the end result will be worth it.

(no subject)
jess_teh_skox
At this exact moment next week, I'll be in Fargo, North Dakota, having covered the first and most tedious leg of this trip. Exciting and terrifying and all that. How far into the trip will I last before I comically crack and turn into a pathetic, sputtering mess? Stay tuned to find out! :D

Mom's making me watch Dancing with the Stars with her. It's agonizing, of course, but at least Buzz Aldrin has confirmed one thing for me. "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" was right. Astronauts actually do constantly talk only in awkward astronaut-themed turns of phrase. Now I just need to confirm whether or not terrible stage magicians and vaguely Bobby Fischer-esque chess geniuses have the same debilitating occupation-themed OCD.

(no subject)
jess_teh_skox
Well, once again I'd like to thank everyone for the massive outcropping of emotional support. (And this time I can sort of mean it.) I'm doing....betterish. It helps to focus myself on the potentially wonderful change on the horizon. (The date's officially official now, even. My existence in Montana will come to an end on April 5.)

It's pathetic. It's completely pathetic. But....the IdiotSite kinda saved me. In my teenage years, I was quickly sinking into miserable loneliness. I'd pretty much given up on making friends with people. It's something I've been bad at....well, forever, and it just kept getting harder each years as my classmates got older, and of course much bitchier as a result. And then I found a bunch of people who had kinda sorta the same kind of sense of humour that I did, and it seemed a fun enough diversion.

I never would've expected that, five years later, I would've genuinely come to care about these people. There's Ray, who was really the first person to say, "Hey, Jesse, you need to come out of your shell, you're not a fucking turtle, although if you were an anthropomorphic one, that would be sort of cool". Or something like that. There's Kevin and Amanda, whose ability to be mature and yet still like "immature" things has actually had a deeply profound effect on me and my ability to actually enjoy things. There's Taylor, whose namby pamby liberal extremist insistence on loving oneself has trained me to....well, tolerate myself. Still a work in progress. And of course there's Jim, who has offered me the chance to step out into the world, finally live my life, have the close friend I haven't had since life decided to tear me away from Ryan. And I just....can't thank you people enough. I....I love you guys. Not in a gay way. In a "you're all really good friends and you've finally made life worth living" sort of way.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared. Really scared. But you've finally encouraged me to try. Somehow.....I'm gonna make it.

Good night!

(no subject)
jess_teh_skox
So, I have to be serious for a moment here. For the past week and a half, a stray cat and her newborn kittens have been living under our porch. I've been providing food and water for them, and just generally trying to make everything okay for them. I'm not much of a pet person, but I am a major animal lover, so it's just something I pretty much had to do. Several days ago, I discovered that the mother was missing. Through a little bit of sleuthing, I discovered that my neighbours - a bunch of hideous, stupid, and generally worthless rednecks - had taken her - from ON OUR PROPERTY I must emphasize - and locked her in a cage, leaving the kittens to either starve or freeze to death. Mom and I took this up with them and we got them to let her go. Crisis seemingly averted, we thought.

Today, I arrive home to discover that someone (read: those neighbours, I'm sure of it) had murdered those kittens. Stabbed....repeatedly. The aftermath left right there for me to see, no doubt as a big "fuck you" to get back at me. I'm....disgusted. I'm horrified. I called animal control, I called the police....nobody is going to do anything about it. They're going to get away with it. Even more disgusting and horrifying.

Tell me. Why is it that everyone is able to do horrible, cruel things to me with no consequences whatsoever? My mom's many misdeeds are no secret, though of course she had the fact that she was kinda sorta providing me food and shelter on her side. One of her ex-boyfriends stabbed me in the neck with a screwdriver when I was 4, nearly killing me, and he got away with that. One night when I was feeling suicidal, Kristen actively encouraged me to go ahead and do it (because she was "sick of my emo crap"; I did try to take my life that night, though obviously I failed), this taking place when we were ostensibly still friends. No one seems to care. Kevin, Amanda, Rob - I can't think of this as anything but reprehensible, though I'm trying my hardest to be understanding. And now this. Seriously, what is it about me?

?

Log in